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JD

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all young hearts: brace for impact [Jun. 13th, 2011|02:11 am]
JD
[mood |calming]
[music |bright eyes]

I have a diary and another pretentiously titled and entirely secret blog that I can't figure out how to work, so my LiveJournal is becoming more and more redundant with each passing second. It's a shame - I've been here for nine years now and leaving it discarded in a bin seems a bit harsh. But, as people tend to become increasingly aware, I am nothing if not harsh.

Who am I, then?

I am a twenty six year old human man. I am a heavy smoker. I am a dreamer. I am a cheerful man who hides shyness and self-doubt under a veneer of misanthropy. I am paranoid. I am funny. I am closed off. I am a keeper of secrets. I am infuriating. I am a relatively new convert to (and massive fan of) white wine. I am emotional. I am quiet. I am too loud. I am smarter than I let on. I am an insufferable idiot. I am convinced that I am in a film.

I am running out of things to say.

I have spent the last three days convinced that everyone is out to get me, that the world hates me and that everyone is talking about me behind my back. Some of these fears are justified, some of them are borne out of my own words and actions which can at times be stupendously thoughtless. I am not by nature a thoughtless man, but I am by nature a foolish man. It's thin like to walk daintily along, sometimes you're going to fall down and crack your skull. 

I was sat in work earlier writing in my diary and Dan asked me why I kept one - he suggested that he didn't because he couldn't remember what happened during the day by the time he was to sit down and write in it. I explained to him that it's not just a catalogue of events without context, but rather a way of vocalising things that I would, or  indeed could never say. I had to explain to him that I am, by my very nature, entirely taciturn about my actual feelings. I am overly vocal with my surface emotions - happy, sad, pissy, on fire. I however know of no one who I can open up to for more than a few fleeting drunken moments at a time. It is a massive flaw in my personality and I am aware of this; I am also aware that sometimes, when these feelings get too numerous, I explode into a rage of depression, snarling anger and uncalled for bitchyness. 
 
He just looked at me. We changed the subject.
 
But it was writing in that diary and now writing on this that has cleared the fog, somewhat. I feel more in control of my situation than I have in months.
 
Who am I?
 
I'm Joshua. Pleased to meet you.
 
x
 
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