|israel beckons me
||[Aug. 29th, 2008|10:27 pm]
What am I?
I am balding, I am tall, I am getting thin, I am lost, I am here, I am lonely, I am surrounded by friends, I have been a vegetarian for eleven days, I am a poorly photocopied version of the people I admire, I am intelligent but upsettingly dumb. I am all of these things and so many more.
I think I know a lot about most things but I secretly hate that I don't know everything about anything. My knowledge is arcane, restricted to historical curios and spreadsheet-like banks of music and football facts. It cannot be used to impress, only to win arguments. Only to win arguments and portray myself as a pretentious cunt on LiveJournal. I think I am talented but have been told otherwise enough times to change my mind.
I feel like I should get out more, but don't like admitting that the outside can scare me. I would smoke continuously if I could. I owe a bank £3500 and they want it back now. I want to contribute more to society, but can't get my head around the fact that volunteers don't get paid. I feel like I should talk less and say more. I feel like I should always be the one to fill silences, but I know I have nothing to say. I'm afraid I dont know how to have grown-up, interesting conversations. I am getting bored of listing things on LiveJournal.
Mostly, I am afraid that after sitting down to write, this dross is all I could come up with. I had already written something much better about how I felt like a supply teacher, but the internet died and deleted it. It was a bit too self-idulgent anyway, and made it sound like I was actually a supply teacher. If you had read it, however, you would have all agreed it was an absolutely excellent metaphor. Anyway. Sorry.