my imperfect offering

i will be home then

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 13:23:58 GMT

At the time, you were a rake and a rastabout.

I'm led on my bed, the sun is streaming through my window. It warms my face as I listen to a strange combination of The Decemberists and the ambient noise of cars and people. The sole of my shoe is peeling away from the leather and my jacket needs dry cleaning. I am happier than I have been in years.

the pepsi album chart

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 17:14:44 GMT

This bohemian couch surfing lifestyle is insane. Since Wednesday I have stayed at Andy, Tom, Chris and Mak's, Abi's and Ben's. Tonight I am staying at Katie's. I have also been fed an amazing roast dinner and now I'm just chilling out in the country. Hopefully the house will all be sorted in the next day or so, though. It really is an amazing house - the view from the window is to absolutely die for. Palace Street and the Cathedral. Om nom nom nom.

Hi, by the way.

i poured my heart out over coffee

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 01:44:30 GMT

I don't really know what I want to say. I don't know if I want to be cryptic and self indulgent, I don't know if I want to be flighty and whimsical, I don't know if I just want to tell the truth.

It's occured to me lately how I've managed to drive pretty much everyone that I care about away from me, through various ways and means. It's quite the talent. Although it means that now, when I look in the mirror, I'm not entirely sure who I see anymore. Sometimes I wish it could be about two years ago, when everything as wonderful as it has been in a long time.

I've spent the last few days being out of the house as much as humanly possible, and it has, I will admit, been fun. But I can't afford to keep doing that. I need to sit myself down and sort myself the fuck out. THIS IS BORING BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

an update of sorts

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 16:16:06 GMT

Everybody and their mother has done this quiz. I too am going to do it, for fear of being shunned from popular society for my lack of meme completing skills. If I'm going to be shunned from society for anything I'd rather like to be something massive, like genocide or a dreadful choice of hat. Of the two, I feel the dreadful choice of hat is more likely; although I'm being careful not to rule anything out.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

Lots of things, one would imagine. From the mundane like running my own little comedy club to the terrific like learning how to knit. I may, at some point, combine the two and welcome the huddled masses into a woolen comedy club to see sock puppets performing satirical sketches about the Gold Standard. I of course will be unable to attend due to my fear of sock puppets. Please tell me how it goes.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I do not make New Year's Resolutions due to a severe lack of both imagination and willpower.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not that I'm aware of, which is a shame. I love babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not that I'm aware of, which is a shame. I love corpses.

5. What countries did you visit?

I've been to Wales, although being as I live there it doesn't really feel like the actions of a globetrotting socialite.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

Emotional comfort. A roaring fire, the heat licking at my hands as I jab at it with a twig - it's a dangerous game, but I like to see the sparks fly up in the air with wild abandon.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I can barely remember my day to day life, let alone the exact dates of the various things that have happened to me that would warrant inclusion in this survey. Either way, most of the important things happened in 2007. 2008 has been my year off, which really makes this somewhat redundant. Alas, I shall plow on.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I don't know, which is a shame. Maybe getting Headrush off the ground with the help of James. Or maybe being a multi-format quiz king.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Through gritted teeth I say "My personal life" before sipping at my wine.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I got mugged, and my Rhumatoid Arthritis had a dreadful flare up. But nothing life threatening.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A green velvet jacket for 5 pounds from a charity shop. No question.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

The people who were contiunally nice to me despite the fact that I am, in fact, me.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Would it wrist slasing inappropriate to go "my own"? If so, then no-one's really. I'm too confused by soft, delicate objects to be genuinely appalled and depressed by someone's actions.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Alcohol and cigarettes in a futile attempt at self-medication.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going on Eggheads. Ipswich. Growing a beard.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Much like James, I'm going to have to say Sexy On Fire. It's not a wonderful song, but it has wonderful memories.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? I'm not sure. Happier about some things, sadder about others.
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Something genuinely worthwhile.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Shoe gazing self-flagellation, thinking, spending.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I will be with my mother, my father, my sister, my other sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, my nephew, my brother-in-law's brother, and my brother-in-law's parents. It will be the first time we will have ever all been in the same room together, so I plan to get shitfaced on port and start a fight.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

No.

22. How many one-night stands?

Six. A fact of which I'm not massively proud.

23. What was your favourite TV program?

Pushing Daisies.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hating someone who deserves that kind of negative attention is more effort than they're worth.

25. What was the best book you read?

A lovely biography of Nelson.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Too many to mention, but things like Frightened Rabbit and Bon Iver et al are up there.

27. What did you want and get?

Nothing immediately springs to mind.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

I've seen at least 3 films this year. Some of them were good. I'm going to go with Tron.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Twenty four, and I got carried home.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A genuine adventure. Finding a box that could take me back in time via an albino eskimo reaching his hand out and dragging me through a vortex. He'd take be back to 1783 and I would get mixed up in lots of raunchy romantic misunderstandings in wealthy Middle England whilst all the time trying to find my late Father's magic pocket watch, the only thing that could transport me back to the present, back to the subdued life I find so familiar. But what will I find first: the pocket watch, or love?

32. What kept you sane?

Music.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Anna Friel. In character as Charlotte Charles. Somewhere in the Midlands right now Stingray has an erection due only to my writing of that.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

US Elections and Darfur.

35. Who did you miss?

I choose not to answer this question, but instead stand on a street corner with the word "turmoil" written on my forehead in green marker pen.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I have met too many nice people, and feel it unfair to single them out.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

Just shut the fuck up and get on with it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Na na na na na na na, na na na na na na." Pink, there.

if you walk away, i'll walk away

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 03:16:41 GMT

I go on so much about the things that I hate that I feel I should devote some time to things I most certainly do not hate.

I like drawing cartoons on a piece of paper and I like writing words onto my computer, safe in the knowledge that no one will see any of these.

Seeing people in hats, cardigans, gloves and scarves makes me smile. Listening to Tullycraft, Nixon and Conor Oberst makes me smile. Slowly rolling a two pence piece across my knuckles makes me smile, although proves difficult in an increasingly cold bedroom.

I like that September 13th is my annual day for for getting drunk in lieu of November 13th. I like playing poker until 5:30 in the morning and walking home in the sleet. I like it even more when I win. I like the tinny sound of a Casio keyboard and the beautiful songs that they can somehow produce.

I like you. I like sitting on my bed with someone and listening to music. I like swapping music recommendations with people and being genuinely shocked by the quality of what I find. I like my diary.

I like desperately clinging to the past almost as much as I like carelessly moving on. I like Japanese food. I like lyrics more than I like music. I like opening a pack of Wine Gums and discovering the first one is black, and the second one is red.

No, scratch that.

I love opening a pack of Wine Gums and discovering the first one is black, and the second one is red.

to take you home

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 08:26:37 GMT

Today I have... no. I feel I must define the word today in a broader context before I can even begin to continue with this. Today is still Thursday in my head, in that strange situation where days don't tick over until you've had a discernable sleep between them - I often wonder if it's wise to extend a weekend to three, or even maybe four days just by staying up and convincing yourself it's still a lazy Sunday evening.

Today began at 1pm, when I was woken by a phonecall from Nick asking if I could come into what I now loosely term work this evening. That, I'm afraid, is pretty much it.

I mean, obviously things have happened. My DJing for an hour to three people in The Foundry being the most traditionally exciting of those, but I had a lot more fun with the other things that happened, the more mundane things. The things that keep a person from going quietly insane.

I invented and then played a game that involved throwing crumpled up beer mats from behind a bar into a metal bowl six, then eight, then ten feet away. I played that for an hour and emerged 1 English Pound up for my troubles. I then taught three people to play poker and was immediately hustled out of the game by a surprisingly adroit French girl. A folk singing session soon followed, which is far more entertaining than many of you may think.

I had an opportunity to go home at this point, and was indeed walking home. But why walk home when you can seek out more friends and spend an hour and a half playing Backgammon and drinking beer? I can literally think of nothing finer to do.

Since then? Smoking. Smoking and thinking and smoking. Bed would seem to be the sensible option, I think. Easier said than done, however.

If you read through all of that and found it as dull as it was to write, you should come to Headrush tonight (I believe today is Friday) and slap me in the face. Thanks.

so simple in the moonlight

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 01:25:59 GMT

I feel a million miles away from everything and everyone I know right now.

It's my birthday on Thursday. I will be twenty four years old. I wish I could treat it like it were the first day of my life, come blinking into the dawn and discover a whole new world bristling with endless possibilities. I wish that when someone asked me what I'd achieved with the previous twenty three years I could tell them I'd done something of genuine worth, of genuine value. That I'd followed through on something, that I'd never just stopped when things have become too hard.

So, the question is: what happens when an unstoppable force meets an easily breakable object?

edit: Wow, I just read that back. I'm not much fun anymore, am I?

i could substitute my singing...

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 16:30:06 GMT

Here is a thing full of words that I have done with my keyboard and fingers.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:

1. I'm so, so sorry.
2. What the hell happened to us? We used to be so close.
3. I really don't know how you put up with me, but the fact that you do is incredible.
4. Stop playing the fucking drums while I'm trying to work, you're really bad at it.
5. You make me laugh so much, y'know.
6. We haven't seen each other in four years. Do you fancy a pint? I want to see if we've changed.
7. I see you everywhere, and we always talk but I've never had the guts to tell you that I really like your hat. It's amazing. Seriously.
8. I can't figure out if I fucked you over, or if you fucked me over. It's weird. Maybe we should agree that we both fucked each other over and move on with our lives.
9. Thanks. I hope you find someone, I honestly do.
10. LISA NEEDS BRACES!

Nine Things About Myself:

1. I haven't been to church in a month or so and it's starting to play on my mind.
2. I am painfully, upsettingly shy. I wish I wasn't, but I've grown into it too much now.
3. I'm going bald, which terrifies me. I used to have such awesome hair, and now I just look like a fat Jarvis Cocker.
4. Whilst being painfully shy, I desperately crave attention. It's slightly odd.
5. I have to make conscious effort not to listen to the same music over and over again.
6. I really wish I could knit. I'd knit myself all manner of hats, gloves and scarves.
7. Everything I am is carefully stolen parts of the people I admire.
8. I've only ever been in love once, but I fall in love every day.
9. The things I say to myself in my head are ten times funnier than the things I say out loud.

Eight Ways to Win My Heart:

1. Argue with me, relentlessly about trivial things.
2. Dress in the most ridiculously unfashionable manner possible, yet somehow manage to pull it off.
3. Understand that I like little more than curling up under a duvet watching a film.
4. Kiss my head.
5. Like my friends.
6. Like that your friends probably scare me, but I still try and be achingly polite, arch and interesting.
7. Read, loads. Then lend them to me.
8. Make me a mixtape. Not a CD, a tape. It requires more effort and thought.

God, this is fucking long isn't it? Kudos if you've got this far.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot:

1. Dental plan!
2. I wish I had a cat.
3. I wish I could afford to live here.
4. It's a bit cold, isn't it?
5. Does anyone really have a job that they genuinely enjoy?
6. I could do with a cigarette.
7. I hope I don't get cancer, or if I do it'll be far in the future when you can cure it with a strawberry flavoured pill.

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:

1. Have a cigarette.
2. Brush my teeth.
3. Wash my face.
4. Fill up my water bottle.
5. Put something on the computer to watch.
6. Take my glasses off.

Five People Who Mean A Lot:

In no particular order...

Daniel: He's ace, he is. It's nice actually having money so I can buy him stuff.

Jennifer: She allows me to talk crap to her 24 hours a day 7 days a week and doesn't moan. Super.

Birkett: Five years and counting, christ. We rule. Learn to shoot though, seriously.

Timbo: He's my Dad, y'know.

Jimbo: Because it's time Headrush was incredibly popular and were like some kind of indie Scooter. Why haven't we played Put A Donk On It yet?

Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now:

1. A solid silver bracelet I got for my 18th birthday.
2. A fake silver ring I got for my 21st birthday.
3. A white t-shirt from H&M. Three pounds, sir.
4. NO SOCKS. I AM HARDCORE.

Three Songs I Listen to A Lot:

Frank Turner - Substitute.
Biffy Clyro - Justboy.
The Decemberists - The Crane Wife 3.

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:

1. Go insane on drugs, money and alcohol.
2. Stop all that and finally settle down.

One Confession

I don't look you in the eye because I'm afraid I'll fall in.

Cripes, that was long!

i just wanna stand outside

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 02:08:56 GMT

I am having my weekly listen to Electro-Shock Blues. I suggest you do the same.

that's how it starts

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 14:19:51 GMT

All My Friends by LCD Soundsystem? Check.
Skinny Love by Bon Iver? Check.
Anyone Else But You by The Moldy Peaches? Check.
Time To Pretend by MGMT? Check.
Expectations by Belle & Sebastian? Check.
Move Bitch by Ludacris? Oh, that's a big check.

Well, that was an incredible night. We finally stopped DJing at around five, and I fell into bed at six. Anyone fancy doing it all again on Friday? I certainly do.

this sex is on fire

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 17:59:36 GMT

Hi.

Bye.

anti venom

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 02:43:16 GMT

I had to explain to someone tonight why I randomly get into moods. It was hard, hard justifying it to someone who doesn't really know me when I can barely justify it to myself. The reason I came up with tonight was a general sense of disappointment in myself. In my head I'm so dreadful at talking to people that it makes me not talk to people. The fact that I won't talk to people because of this then makes me angry at myself, and it swiftly turns into a bad mood.

I used to be with someone who went out with me solely through seeing me do stand up. She thought that the person she saw onstage was who I was all the time. It's not. It's a character. I'm not that quick, that funny or that upbeat. I'm boring. I read. I'm quiet.

I wish I wasn't.

This, by the way, is nothing compared to other people's problems at the moment. But I needed to put it somewhere.

everyone has to learn sometime

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 17:38:50 GMT

I haven't done this in a while, have I? Let's all be honest with ourselves though, it's no great loss to anyone. The slow death of this LiveJournal is something that I find relatively sad considering there's five-odd years of history in here, but I can't really do much about it. I go through phases with this thing, so I'm just blindly assuming it will pick up again at some point in the near future.

I am great at the moment. Or I am deeply unhappy at the moment. It depends when you catch me. You know that feeling, like you've been forcibly strapped into a rollercoaster? It's brilliant, flying around corners, your hand covering your mouth in a vain attempt to rescue your heart as you plummet down unimaginable hills. But then it levels off, your pulse rate drops and you can see everything around you come into focus. It's that bit that I don't like.

I have been single for over a year now. That's no massive thing to be: I quite like being single.

It has made me think though, about the reasons why my ex-girlfriend broke up with me, and if I've changed at all. What she would think of me if she met me now. It's not entirely positive, I have to admit. I still moan too much, I'm still immature, I'm still too mean. Plus, I have a whole new raft of things to add to that: I'm now consistently skint, I smoke way too much and I've become strangely paranoid.

I have, however, been making a conscious effort lately to change. I can never tell if it's working, though. Or if people even notice. Blah blah blah. I don't know.

HEY! I'm running a comedy night at The Foundry on October 23rd! You should all come! See, it's not entirely all downbeat! YAY! Etc.

israel beckons me

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:45:47 GMT

What am I?

I am balding, I am tall, I am getting thin, I am lost, I am here, I am lonely, I am surrounded by friends, I have been a vegetarian for eleven days, I am a poorly photocopied version of the people I admire, I am intelligent but upsettingly dumb. I am all of these things and so many more.

I think I know a lot about most things but I secretly hate that I don't know everything about anything. My knowledge is arcane, restricted to historical curios and spreadsheet-like banks of music and football facts. It cannot be used to impress, only to win arguments. Only to win arguments and portray myself as a pretentious cunt on LiveJournal. I think I am talented but have been told otherwise enough times to change my mind.

I feel like I should get out more, but don't like admitting that the outside can scare me. I would smoke continuously if I could. I owe a bank £3500 and they want it back now. I want to contribute more to society, but can't get my head around the fact that volunteers don't get paid. I feel like I should talk less and say more. I feel like I should always be the one to fill silences, but I know I have nothing to say. I'm afraid I dont know how to have grown-up, interesting conversations. I am getting bored of listing things on LiveJournal.

Mostly, I am afraid that after sitting down to write, this dross is all I could come up with. I had already written something much better about how I felt like a supply teacher, but the internet died and deleted it. It was a bit too self-idulgent anyway, and made it sound like I was actually a supply teacher. If you had read it, however, you would have all agreed it was an absolutely excellent metaphor. Anyway. Sorry.

hands in my empty pockets

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:14:55 GMT

It's the August Bank Holiday, and by all rights I should be out somewhere right now, possibly drunk. However, through a foolish combination of paying bills and going out last night I am now totally skint. I can see your twisted, shocked faces right now as you reel in surprise at that fact.

So here's a survey. Yay.

How old are you? I am twenty three years old.

When is your birthday? It is in November. Which isn't that long, I suppose.

Where were you born? I was born in Newport, formerly of the county of Gwent.

What colour are your eyes? One of my eyes is a deep blue, one is a lighter blue with an ugly splodge of green and brown.

What's your sign? Men At Work.

What colour is your hair? A very nondescript mousey brown.

Are you a risk taker? I like to think I am, and I'll certainly tell people that I am. But it depends how you define risk, I can think myself into such circles that walking into town on my own can be considered a relatively risky manouvere, making myself feel like a dangerous maverick when I manage to make it back alive.

Truth or Dare? Truth, but expect me to lie on my feet.

Are you the life of the party? Not especially, no.

Do people think you're boring? Perhaps. I'm certainly worried that they'll discover that I am.

Summer or Winter? Winter. I have nicer winter clothes.

What's the most fun you've ever had? I built a fort on Saturday. It's probably not the most fun I've ever had, but it was the most recent fun I've ever had so certainly qualifies for something.

Ever done drugs? Yes. I just took a hanful of painkillers. These are the only drugs I have ever taken.

Ever drank alchohol? Yes, although not to wash down the painkillers.

Are you drug free? I am drug free, alcohol free and better than you. THIS IS STRAIGHT EDGE.

If not, do you think you should be? Oh, this quiz is fucking ridiculous. Seriously.

Do you like to have fun? That sounds like the sort of question a sweaty Greek man would ask a drunken English girl in broken English at 2am in the morning in a Faliraki meat market. That was the most poorly written sentence I've ever... done. What's going on?

For Stalkers: The Details

What side of the bed do you get out of? The right. If I got out of the other side I would hit my face on the wall.

The hand you hold your fork with? I hold my fork with my left hand.

The foot you put a shoe on first? I have no idea, and I'm certainly not going to get my shoes and find out for the purposes of this moribund quiz. Yeah. Take that, quiz.

I DELETE PERFUME QUESTIONS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER

Your current computer desktop wallpaper? It's a Threadless t-shirts, of an acoustic and electric guitar merged to make one impressive looking but frankly unplayable uber guitar.

The last time you needed a bandaid? I don't really remember. Probably when I got beaten up.

How much ketchup do you put on your food? None. Fuck you, Ketchup. Oh shit, I just remembered I was meant to go to the cool antiques shop with Jez to look at the guitars they have in there, and I totally didn't. Oh well.

How do you greet your friends? Trepidation.

Most often used word/phrase? Whatever archaic phrase I think will make me sound more intelligent than I am this week.

Common mannerism? I have no idea.

Pet peeve? People who are needlessly loud.

Biggest fear? That it's all true. That, and death.

Seedless fruit, or with seeds? Seedless. Who wants seeds? No one, that's who.

How do you eat your Reeses? With a certain amount of mastication and swallowage.

You only sing when... : I absolutely have to. I hate my voice so much.

Number of jackets you own? Four.

You have a collection of... : When I was a child, I use to collect pistachio nut shells. I had three jars full.

The poster on your wall is of... : I have more then one poster. Coheed, Reuben, Cliff Richard, photos and postcards.... loads.

Random Other Stuff

Are you currently grounded? Yes, by circumstance.

Do you snore? Not as far as I know; or at least no one has ever told me so.

Are you a lover or a fighter? I am a lover.

As a kid, were you a Lego maniac? Although I did enjoy Lego a massive amount, I thnk it would be a lie to say I was a Lego maniac. I also enjoyed Subbuteo, which to be honest got the brunt of my childish mania.

What do you think of reality TV? I will bash it in public then watch it at home on my own.

Do you chew on straws? Yes. I chew on everything. Freud would have a fucking field day.

Were you a cute baby? Yeah. No. I don't know, I wasn't au fait with mirrors or the concept of physical attractiveness as a child.

Is the single life for you? I very much enjoy the freedom to do what I want when I want to do it, even if what I want and when I want to do it turns out to be "nothing" and "all the time". I very much miss just lying on a sofa together and watching shit Kung Fu movies with incredible dubbing. It's just not as fun on your own.

What colour is your keyboard? It is black.

Is Barbie sexy? No. She's a fucking doll, you freak.

Do you sing in the shower? No, I sit down in the shower. Much to the confusion of others.

Have you ever bungee jumped? Yes. It was cool.

Any special talents? I can suck my own cock. FACT. No, wait, that's other men's cocks. I don't have a cock.

What's your ideal vacation spot? Lake Garda.

Is Jay Leno funny? Bill Hicks certainly didn't think so.

Can you swim? Yes. Is that a threat?

Have you seen the movie Donnie Darko? Yes, I also own it on DVD. It is excellent.

Are you a virgin? No.

Do you give a damn about the O-Zone? Yeah! How else was I meant to catch up on my pop news during the mid 90's! It gave us all Zoe Ball and live performances from The Pet Shop Boys seemingly every week! Haha. I am funny.

How many... something gay about American sweets, or something? I don't even care enough to finish re-writing the question.

Can you sing the Alphabet backwards? I can barely sing it forwards, the be honest. I get lost around the whole verbal pile-up that is LMNOP.

Have you ever been on an aeroplane? Yes. They are scary.

Are you an only child? No.

Do you prefer manual or electric pencil sharpeners? This really comes down to a question of class. Electric pencil sharpeners carry themselves with a very high head, copies of the Guardian tucked under their arms while they sneer down their noses at the working class manual pencil sharpeners, working at the pencil face with nothing but their strength to sharpen the pencils. These people are the real heroes, fuck the sharp enabling technology that is dividing their society. STOP TALKING.

What's your stand on hunting? I like the pretty red jackets but dislike killing animals for sport.

Is marriage in your future? How am I meant to know? I would certainly like it to be.

Do you like your handwriting? No. Although only I can read it, which I suppose can be a bonus.

What are you allergic to? Tomatoes. Cats. Tomato cats.

When was the last time you said "I love you"? I honestly can't remember.

Is Tupac still alive? Yes, of course. He's alive in the heart of every lil' gangsta who's gunnin' down some wack-ass bitch.

Do you cry at weddings? No, I get drunk at weddings.

How do you like your eggs? You know that song, "How do you like your eggs in the morning... I like mine with a kiss! Boiled or fried... I'm satisfied, as long as I get my kiiiiiiiss!"? How fucking annoying must that be? She's clearly making him breakfast, and all he cares about is sticking his tongue down her throat. He doesn't even thank her. She ignores him, giving him a bit of a subtle hint that she has important breakfast-based issues to deal with, but he just keeps going on about it. I hope he doesn't get any breakfast now, let alone a kiss. Prick.

Are blondes dumb? Probably. Why not? Fuck 'em. So are black people and the Chinese.

Where does the other sock end up? On my other foot.

What time is it? Time for this survey to be over, please.

Do you have a nickname? Not that I know of. If I have one that I don't know about then I'm fairly certain I don't want to know.

Is McDonald's disgusting? Yes, their Chicken McNuggets are fowl. FOWL. FOWL. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Are you in love? Nope. It's just a silly phase I'm going through.

When was the last time you were in a car? No idea. Probably last week at some point.

Do you prefer baths or showers? Showers.

Is Santa real? No, you fucking moron.

Do you like to have your neck kissed? Obviously. Who doesn't?

Are you afraid of the dark? Not really. I'm afraid of being murdered in the dark, but not of the dark itself.

What are you addicted to? Cigarettes.

Blah blah blah peanut butter? I like peanut butter Lion bars. I'd fucking kill for a chocolate bar right now.

Can you crack your neck? No, although I've never really tried... wait a minute.... no. Ow.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes, twice. Six times if you include those little ambulance cars.

How many times have you brushed your teeth today? Once.

Are you a heavy sleeper? Not especially.

How loud do you sneeze? Quite loud, I think. I certainly irritates me.

Do you like your life? I find myself disliking the things I dislike more than I like the things I like.

What's your best friend's name? Maurice. SPACE COWBOY!

Stone Cold or The Rock: CM Punk.

Are you psychic?No, sorry.

Have you read Catcher In The Rye? Yes, thanks.

Do you play any instruments? Loads. None of them well enough to impress people, though.

Can you skateboard? Three broken ankles says no.

Have you ever stolen anything? Yes, I did like to pick a pocket or two. And by pocket I mean Woolworths.

Do you like camping? Festivals, please.

Are you horny? lolz no

Do you snort when you laugh? No, I titter like a retard.

Oh, fuck this. There's a million more questions. Sorry you had to read this, folks.

ludlow street boys

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 22:16:40 GMT

Being in a house with no internet, no proper television, no hot water and no food is something of a double edged sword. On the upside, if we ignore the whole nasty no hot water and no food thing, it's lovely to have so much time to yourself to just think. On the downside, if we ignore the whole nasty no hot water and no food thing, it's horrible to have so much time to yourself to just think.

This is where I'm currently at: I've decided that I have become a burden. Not on society as, although I don't contribute much to the smooth running of this country, I don't really take much either. More so on my friends, however. I can't help but shake the feeling that some people just hang out with me due to a strange sense of duty, like they're doing it because they remember back in the day when I used to be entertaining and self-sufficient, not just a depressing leech with a trampish beard. This has absolutely nothing to do with drunken conversation that I relatively soberly overheard, although that may have acted as a catalyst. I think, although I'm never sure, it's time I stepped back a little.

So I'm not really sure where this leaves me, to be honest. Dan is going away for a few weeks on Friday, so I can be at least sure it leaves me back in this house with no internet, no proper television, no hot water and no food. Anything else is just up to me, I guess.

Also, I think I'm getting too fond of that bookending technique. It makes my writing predictable.

what i would give not to stumble

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 14:13:51 GMT

If music was the food of love, then I'd be a fat romantic slob.

The wind is changing: I can feel it. Summer is dying out as we march gravely into Autumn. If Spring is the season of rebirth then, logically, Autumn is the season of death. It seems that we've been somewhat short-changed when it comes to summer, fleeting weeks of beauty here and there and nothing else, but I can't help but think that maybe this isn't such a bad thing. Maybe some things need to die.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I think I look a lot better in winter clothes; clashing layers, long coats and scarves.

I went back to Wales recently to try and pull my head together. That's such a melodramatic thing to say, as if I were clawing onto the internet with long yellowing nails for some manner of insincere sympathy, but it's also true. Not the mention the fact that I'm genuinely not above an attention fishing attempt at melodrama. It was absolutely needed, though. Mere moments after coming in through the door to my house I was asked "Have you any plans for while you're at home, then?" and had the pleasure of being able to reply "No. Not one.".

I'm assuming it's common knowledge that I spend a disproportionate amount of time sitting around doing nothing, but being able to sit around and do nothing whilst genuinely on my own was something of a joy to me. I'd readily admit that five days of it is enough, but it was like being at some kind of Tibetan retreat, far up in cloud shrouded mountains. Except with more sheep and screaming Welsh harpies.

Obviously I managed to bollocks it up within minutes of coming home by going out and being myself, but it's the thought that counts. It's the thought that has made me decide to kick smoking on the head, and to severely cut down on my drinking. It's the thought that's made me decide to put a full stop at the end of one chapter on my life and to move on to a new chapter.

I intend it to start like this:

"Joshua sighed, rapping his fingers across the hard spine of his book. He briefly considered turning the beat into that of a galloping horse, but was distracted by the happy chirruping of the doorbell..."

Who's at the door? Fuck knows.

excuse my manners

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:02:35 GMT

01. Your ex is on the side of the road on fire. What do you do?

Hang on, where is this road? Am I alone? Because I find it highly unlikely that I'll run into my ex on some kind of deserted night highway considering she's in Australia, ignoring the fact that she'd apparently be on fire. Who did this to her? Will they be brought to justice? Anyway, I'd probably try and put her out, but considering I lack even the most rudimentary of firefighting techniques then I'd probably fail. But at least I can go to the funeral saying that I tried.

02. Your best friend tells you she is pregnant. What is your reaction?

Confusion and shock, then an offer to try and get her on Jeremy Kyle. I'd quite like to go. I'd pretend to be both the father and her dad, or something.

03. When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?

Thursday night, just after Tim punched me in the face. Understandable, I think. I didn't though. I fell over.

04. Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?

Reuben. Although I told this to my mother yesterday and she pointed out that he'd have an aliterative name. I think that's pretty cool, but I'm also fairly certain it'd lead to playground bullying. It's an absolute minefield. So, Elliot.

05. Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What's her name?

Jesus fuck, I started this meme with no children and now I suddenly have two! I mean, I'd like to have children some day but I really don't think I'm ready for this right now. Anyway, I have a lot of difficulty naming girls because I have a tendancy of going out with very unusually (read: awesomely) named girls. Or girls named Charlotte. So, I don't know, Serena.

06. What are you craving right now?

ATTENTION! Wait, no. Not much. Better music on MTV2? A new iPod? Hats!

07. What was the last thing you cried about?

Lots of reasons, but mainly crushing loneliness and despair. Tidy.

08. When you buy something and your change is a penny, do you keep it or tell them to keep the change?

It all depends. If they have some kind of charity box type shenanigans on the till then I'll stick it in there, if not then I'll stick it in my pocket and put it in an empty Pringles tube in my bedroom. For when I'm desperate for fags. Naturally.

09. What colour is your tissue box?

What an absolutely bizarre question. I don't have a tissue box. If I have a cold then I have a bit of tissue up the sleeve of my jumper like an old lady. Isn't the new Bloc Party song shit?

10. Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?

No. I do have a fan clipped to the case of my computer, though. It keeps it running through the humid summer months, and is very dusty indeed.

11. What is the last voicemail you received about?

It was a lady from the newspaper trying to arrange a phone interview about my being a darn funny chap. I haven't phoned her back yet, although I probably should. I'm secretly worried I have nothing to say.

12. Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?

I would say getting mugged and all that, but I don't really remember that. So opening a letter from my landlady giving me one week to move out and threatening court action. That was one week and two days ago. I am currently in Wales. Coincidence? Yes.

13. What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?

I like neither tacos nor bells.

14. Have you ever had a garage sale?

I've had a bring and buy sale! We raised money for disadvantaged brown people!

15. What was the last alcoholic beverage you had?

Lager. It was only £2. The hangover explains why.

16. Are you happy right now?

I'm content, I think.

17. Who came over last?

Brennig, this morning, to drop off some drugs for my Dad. Strange life, me.

18. Do you miss anybody right now?

Yeah, I think so.

19. Dark or light jeans?

Can't a man have both? I mean, it all depends on the colour of the top I'm wearing!

20. What was the last movie you watched at home?

Still Cra... hang on... hang on... right... WHEN I WAS! A YOUNG BOY! MY FATHER! TOO... forget it. I can't help but absolutely adore this song, knowing full well it's the equivalent of dropping my trousers and urinating all over any musical credibility I have managed to cultivate in the last 23 years. I don't care. I! DON'T! CAAAAARE! Still Crazy, as I told you yesterday. Pay attention.

21. What is in your pocket?

Let's see, shall we?

Left pocket: Phone, keys, amazing matt black lighter I stole yesterday, receipt, £2.29.

Right pocket: 19 Pall Mall Reds, a plectrum.

Interesting stuff!

22. Where do you hurt?

My back is still a bit iffy, but not bad overall.

24. What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?

Hey, where's 23? I'm going to say aisle 23 in honour of my fallen question comrade. Especially if aisle 23 is booze.

25. When is your birthday?

November, and don't you fucking forget it.

26. What are you going to do after this?

I might go to the pub. It seems the obvious thing to do.

27. What is your favorite dessert?

I'm not really a dessert kind of guy. The only time I ever really have it I have cheese, biscuits and port. So that, I guess. I'm more of a starter kind of man.

28. Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?

No, although I do have two children named after me. Which I quite like.

29. Is someone plotting your demise?

I certainly hope not, although I imagine it wouldn't be too hard. Something shiny underneath an anvil would do it. I recommend a Mac Powerbook, although it'd probably get crushed so the initial outlay would be relatively high.

30. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?

I used to get mistaken for my father a lot, although that stopped after the first few deaths.

31. Does someone like you right now?

To quote Mitch Hedberg: "I'd be fuckin'... surprised." It'd be a nice surprise, though. Not like a Powerbook under an anvil.

32. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?

No, although I know people who have been.

33. Do you like the color green?

I look good in green, I think. So yeah.

34. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Discounting people who are reading this, no. I can't imagine anyone sitting there in a bit of a daze and going "Hey, I wonder what Josh is up to right now..." you know? I don't think I warrant that level of conscious thought! That said, I do it on occasion. Wonder what I'm up to, that is.

two wolves

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 02:23:02 GMT

I'm lying here in bed and I can't hear a thing. I can't hear the guttural roar of lorries endlessly rocking the windows, I can't hear the dull thud of music coming through the wall and I can't hear the endless stream of voices in my head telling me I've fucked up. I can't hear a thing.

I'm lying, of course. I can hear something. I'm watching a film called Still Crazy, which whilst not being one of the best films ever made by quite a long way still has a rather large place in my heart. It was the film I went to see on my 15th birthday for my first date with my first ever proper girlfriend. I do believe we held hands. But you get my point.

I've done things backwards today. I suppose it's somewhat fitting considering how far away from civilization I find myself. The pub beckoned at before midday, increasing levels of drunkeness and a chinese takeaway meant my bed beckoned at 7pm. Now I'm awake again. Hmm.

I'm taking my nephew to Newport County for his first ever football match on Saturday. It's the sort of thing I always think people can't imagine me doing in a million years, but to tell the truth it's the sort of thing I absolutely love doing. I shall buy him a scarf and explain the rules and be an all-round excellent uncle. In between bouts of dreadful footballer inspired apoplexy.

I think I'll be ready to come back on Monday. I'm not sure I know what that means at the moment, but it feels right. Time to put my best foot forward and just fucking go for it.

Ramble ramble ramble.

Anyway, how are you?

go to sleep now, little ugly

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:04:10 GMT

Something something something angst something something hungry something something futile something something something uncomfortable something something block something something hot something something something something SOMETHING.

Yeah.

The gist of it is, if you could run away and totally reinvent yourself, would you?

i annoy you. janice.

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:42:01 GMT

Last night I went to a BBQ at 93, which was kinda fun. I spent most of it fucked off with myself, though, so was probably quite shit to be around. Sorry about that, everyone.

I am going to do a quiz thing.

1. What curse word do you use the most?

I say fuck, a lot. A fucking lot. I went through a phase of saying cunt too much, but I trained myself out of it, because I really hate the word. I also like to make swear words up by randomly sticking two words together and hoping they catch on.

2. Do you own an iPod?

Technically, yes. More realistically I own a useless bit of iPod shaped plastic.

3. What person on your Flist do you talk to the most?

I don't really talk to many people on my friend list, to be honest. Probably about 5 or 6 of them at most. Or more. I don't know. I can't really remember who's on it. Exciting answers today, aren't they?

4. What time is your alarm clock set to?

7:00am every day but Sunday, then again at 10:00am every day including Sunday.

5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?

Yes, it was rubbish and not at all what I'd expected it to be.

6. Do you remember where you were on 9/11/01?

Yeah. I was stood in my kitchen making pasta for me and Tom Ellis. We'd bunked off school, then spent the next god-knows-how-long glued to the TV. Not literally though, that would have been ridiculous.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?

I'd rather take the picture. I really hate pictures of me, it's weird. I think that I sometimes look quite nice in the mirror, but photos have a way of highlighting everything that I think is wrong with me and presenting them in some kind of cinematic widescreen. So yes, taking.

8. What was the last movie you watched?

Groundhog Day. It was weird, I fell asleep about halfway through and the film looped over and over, so I woke up at the exact same moment but about 4 hours later. Anyone who knows that film can understand how freaky that is.

9. Do any of your friends have children?

Yep.

10. Has anyone ever called you lazy?

God yes.

11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?

Yes, last night to be precise! I have a fairly consistent history of insomnia, so I've been known to drink to get to sleep as well. You can't say I'm not a classy gent.

12. What CD is currently in your CD player?

Oysterband - Meet You There. It's rather good. And it was free!

13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate?

Biscuits? Regular. Unless they're Bourbon. Or Oreos. Or cookies. Fuck it, chocolate.

14. Has anyone told you a secret this week?

I don't think so.

15. When was the last time you had Starbucks?

Too long ago, really.

16. Can you whistle?

Yeah, but not anything resembling a tune.

17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

I don't know, it depends on loads of stuff. Probably something lame like hair, or how they are dressed, or what sort of shoes they are wearing. Only the shoes thing because I'm quite shy and would most probably be looking at the floor anyway.

18. What are you looking forward to?

Something, I just don't know what. Financial security?

19. Did you watch cartoons as a child?

Didn't everyone?

23. Do you own any band t-shirts?

Yeah. Alkaline Trio, Atreyu, Against Me!, MCR, Misfits. I don't wear any of them.

24. What will you be doing in one hour?

Probably lying on my bed watching Friends, being hungry and wanting a fag.

25. Is anyone in love with you?

I would be very surprised.

26. What was the last song you heard?

Radio War by Iron & Wine.

27. Last time you cried?

Yesterday, because I was in a shit mood then decided to watch something very depressing. So I don't know if that counts.

28. Are you on a desktop computer or a lap top?

A desktop computer. I'd love a laptop. I sometimes go into Currys just to stroke the Mac Powerbook they have in there.

29. Are you currently wanting any piercing or tattoos?

I want lots more tattoos, please.

30. What's the weather like?

It's really hot in my room, I know that much.

31. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos?

Yes please.

32. What did you do before this?

Nothing, which is fairly depressing considering I've been awake since 12.

33. When is the last time you slept on the floor?

Almost exactly a year ago, because I let Simon and his girlfriend sleep in my bed after the beer festival last year.

34. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?

Anywhere between 4 and 6. Anything more than 8 and it's as bad as not sleeping enough.

35. Do you eat breakfast daily?

No, although I really should.

36. Are your days fast-paced?

It's unlikely, to be honest.

37. What did you do last night?

Sat around 93 for a bit, spent an hour on the phone, slept. Loads of other stuff.

38. Do you use sarcasm?

Nooo, I never use sarcasm. Right. That doesn't really work on the internet, does it?

39. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?

24. It scares the shit out of me.

40. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?

Yes, although I worry it makes me like Ross. "I don't know why I do that..."

41. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

Nope.

43. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?

I don't really think there's a difference, to be honest. I think I get on better with girly men and blokey girls. So maybe my perfect friend is a hermaphrodite.

44. Do you like mustard?

Yes, English mustard.

45.. Do you sleep on your side?

Yes, my left side.

46. Do you watch the news?

Most days I cast a cautonary eye over it, yes.

47. How did you get one of your scars?

I fell through a cystal vase.

48. Who was the last person to make you mad?

It was someone yesterday, although I can't think who. Probably a good thing.

49. Do you like anybody?

If this means in a friendly way, then yes. If this means in a romantic way, then yes. If this means would I like somebody murdered, stuffed and placed on a plinth in my bedroom then, well, it has to be a no.

50. What is the last thing you purchased?

A pint of milk so everyone could have tea. Then I forgot to make myself any tea, and now the milk is gone. I am a dick.

If you got through all of that then you deserve a fucking medal. I barely did and I was answering the damn things.

i remember every face

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:50:49 GMT

I'm staring at a blank box, about 1/8th of the size of my screen. In a minute it will be full of words, but for now it is blank. Well, it isn't. It has this in it. My writing about it has instantly made it redundant. Like how measuring something distorts the actual measurement, Heisenberg and all that.

But at least it's got me thinking. So this is what I came up with:

I don't know why I have an LJ. I've had it over six years now, and I still struggle to assign it a purpose. I'm quite a private person, so I never update it with anything too serious or personal, the people who read it I see or speak to all the time anyway so it's not like they need to know what's going on in my life.

Then it hit me. I have an LJ because, somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I'll one day be hailed as some kind of whimsical genius. People will pour over my work with scholarly dedication, dissecting it and assigning it meanings after I'm long dead. Then, one day, a robot (because robots will do all this sort of stuff in the future) will dust off some old internet archive and find this. It will be like the Dead Sea Scrolls, except with more surveys and gay jokes.

Which, let's face it, is what the Dead Sea Scrolls are sorely lacking. How much better would The Bible be if Jesus filled in the occasional meme? Or called Doubting Thomas a Doubting Gay? Miles.

Or, I could just have this LJ to do exactly this: sit down for five minutes, write, and see what comes out. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's like this: bizarre. Sorry.

Bye!

whoops

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 12:47:34 GMT

So I deleted last night's entry. It was basically pointless and clearly the sort of thing I should be writing in my diary, not on LiveJournal. Judging by that, you can imagine how dull reading my diary would be. Sometimes I draw little doodles, though. They're quite exciting.

Anyway, someone or other posted this, so I shall repost. After editing the spelling and grammar, obviously. Fill it in, you know you want to. It'll give me something to do.

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Place of residence:
4. What makes you happy:
5. What are you listening to at the moment:
6. Do you read my LJ:
7. If you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favourite place to be:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:

RECOMMEND

1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song and an album:

PLUS

1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you. Ta.

another novel left on the train

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 22:04:33 GMT

I just started to update my LJ, but 100 moribund, turgid words into it I decided to stop. It was wholly uninteresting and a little self indulgent. So, naturally, to beat the self indulgence I've decided to do a survey.

...shit.

What was the last thing you ordered from McDonalds?

Tom Watson Kirkenhopen went through a phase of buying all of the ingredients for a Sausage and Egg McMuffin, then making them at home on the George Foreman grill. I mocked at first, naturally, but they smelt amazing. I decided I wanted in on the action, so went to buy the ingredients only to find he had bought every single sausage patty in Morrisons. So I bit the bullet and wandered to McDonalds to have one. It was lovely, thanks.

Do you own a canoe?

Yes. My idiot housemate was trying to sell an Entertainment Unit that he had built. He got inside to try and prove to a prospective buyer that it could indeed fit a human male. The buyer slid a hockey stick through the handles then proceeded to steal all of our stuff. We were left with nothing but the Entertainment Unit, so swapped it for a canoe and some patio furniture.

Wait. I'm fairly certain that wasn't me.

What was the last button you pushed?

A button to allow me to cross the street in safety.

Do you have or want any piercings?

I used to have my eyebrow and my nose done. The eyebrow didn't really suit me, and used to clink off of my glasses, but the nose was cool. I'd love to have my lip done, but never really have in case it makes me look stupid.

What do you think about people with tattoos?

I absolutely adore tattoos.

What color is the wall closest to you?

A dark, almost threatening red.

Did you enjoy your last kiss?

It was drunken, but nice.

Have you ever set foot in a tanning salon?

No, although I do own some tanning moisturiser. I am 100% man.

Would you rather be a genie or a witch?

I'd rather be a witch. You wouldn't have to sit around in a bottle for hundreds of years, bored off your ass. That and I could hang out with Willow and Tara.

Have you ever played strip poker?

Yes. I'm massively self-conscious and also quite good at poker - it's a good mix.

What's your favourite colour?

I don't know, it varies. I like green at the moment.

Fast Food Restaurant or Chinese Takeout?

A Chinese Takeaway, curled up on the sofa with friends, surrounded by those aluminum boxes and greasy cardboard lids.

If you could move, would you?

I can move. Watch.

I just walked into the bathroom and back for absolutely no reason. I thought I may as well make it vaguely worthwhile so I washed my hands a bit. I didn't want to seem weird.

If I could move location? Verona, please. It is, without a doubt, the most amazing place I have ever been.

Do you prefer hot tea or iced tea?

Tea, one sugar. Thanks.

What is your favorite musical?

Me and my friend Stefan once watched a musical called the Music Man together, whilst also being 200 miles apart. It was the funniest two hours of my life.

Have you ever lied about your age?

Yes. Hasn't everyone?

When did you stop believing in Santa Claus?

One Christmas when I was an indeterminately young age. My parents, drunk on power and more obviously alcohol, tried to stealthily put my presents outside of my bedroom door. I can still hear the yells now.

"Tim, shut the fuck up, you'll wake them up!"

Who was your first crush?

A girl called Amy Smith, in year 5. We used to work together on the school newspaper. Even at such a young age I was one for office romances.

What's the wildest thing you've done?

I'm unsure of the difference between wild, illegal and stupid. Play "I Have Never" with me one time and you'll find out, I guess.

Ever blacked out from drinking?

Not in a serious way, just little moments. Never an evening.

When is the last time you were on a bicycle?

It saddens me to say that I genuinely don't know, I used to live for riding my bike into the countryside as a child.

How many numbers are in your phone book?

Not many. I used to have hundreds, but had a scorched earth policy towards them when I got my new phone. Just my good friends, and a few handy people.

Do blondes really have more fun?

No.

Have you ever smoked tobacco out of a hookah?

No, but I have smoked tobacco out of a hooker.

Who do you hate the most?

At the moment, Robert Mugabe. I summed him up in one sentence earlier this week, a sentence I believe should be spread around to such a degree that it will be etched into his gravestone when he finally dies: "He really is an absolute shit."

Have you ever donated to charity?

Yeah, I give money to both a Zoo and Amnesty International every month. They both do good, although entirely different work.

Ever used a fake ID or an ID that wasn't your own?

Nope. I just grew a dreadful, patchy moustache.

Are you donating your organs?

If I've not died in some horrific crushing or exploding based incident, then yes.

What is by far your favorite moment of life?

I was just rolling Jenny and myself a cigarette, when I reached for an empty packet to find some card to make a roach. I picked it up, and it... it rattled. It bloody well rattled! I opened it up to see I had 5 cigarettes inside. FIVE. Cancer has never tasted so good.

Who is the prettiest person you know?

Everyone I know is beautiful in their own way. Is that me backing out of answering this question in case I get in trouble? It most certainly is!

What's the last thing you drank?

Diet Coke. It is my second bottle today. I have a problem.

Ever been on ecstasy?

Certainly.

What hurts the most?

My lower back. I really want to get a massage, but it's about 20 English pounds, and I don't have that sort of money to throw about. I also don't trust Dan to do it without getting excited and touching my intimately.

Who called you last?

Leanne.

There we go. I tried to make it somewhat readable for you.

Also, Happy Birthdays to Layla Hardy, MC Jamesy Bulger, C-Dawg and Sophieska Galactibaker. You are lovely people who I wouldn't sell to Middle Eastern slave traders for even the finest donkeys in all the land.

pissed and beaten

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:00:22 GMT

This time last year everything was wonderful. I wonder how many people think that every day? I also wonder how many of them are wrong. How time has just distorted their memories as a way of briefly escaping from the lives they're currently having to live.

Doesn't that sound awfully melodramtic? I'm fine.

I keep meaning to do a big, long, meandering update that no one will read about everything that's been going on lately. Maybe sometime soon I will.

Something for you to look forward to, there.