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if you walk away, i'll walk away [Dec. 14th, 2008|03:16 am]
[mood |i should be in bed]
[music |bright eyes]

I go on so much about the things that I hate that I feel I should devote some time to things I most certainly do not hate.

I like drawing cartoons on a piece of paper and I like writing words onto my computer, safe in the knowledge that no one will see any of these.

Seeing people in hats, cardigans, gloves and scarves makes me smile. Listening to Tullycraft, Nixon and Conor Oberst makes me smile. Slowly rolling a two pence piece across my knuckles makes me smile, although proves difficult in an increasingly cold bedroom.

I like that September 13th is my annual day for for getting drunk in lieu of November 13th. I like playing poker until 5:30 in the morning and walking home in the sleet. I like it even more when I win. I like the tinny sound of a Casio keyboard and the beautiful songs that they can somehow produce.

I like you. I like sitting on my bed with someone and listening to music. I like swapping music recommendations with people and being genuinely shocked by the quality of what I find. I like my diary.

I like desperately clinging to the past almost as much as I like carelessly moving on. I like Japanese food. I like lyrics more than I like music. I like opening a pack of Wine Gums and discovering the first one is black, and the second one is red.

No, scratch that.

I love opening a pack of Wine Gums and discovering the first one is black, and the second one is red.
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to take you home [Nov. 28th, 2008|08:26 am]
[mood |nope]
[music |a patronising american documentary about space and that]

Today I have... no. I feel I must define the word today in a broader context before I can even begin to continue with this. Today is still Thursday in my head, in that strange situation where days don't tick over until you've had a discernable sleep between them - I often wonder if it's wise to extend a weekend to three, or even maybe four days just by staying up and convincing yourself it's still a lazy Sunday evening.

Today began at 1pm, when I was woken by a phonecall from Nick asking if I could come into what I now loosely term work this evening. That, I'm afraid, is pretty much it.

I mean, obviously things have happened. My DJing for an hour to three people in The Foundry being the most traditionally exciting of those, but I had a lot more fun with the other things that happened, the more mundane things. The things that keep a person from going quietly insane.

I invented and then played a game that involved throwing crumpled up beer mats from behind a bar into a metal bowl six, then eight, then ten feet away. I played that for an hour and emerged 1 English Pound up for my troubles. I then taught three people to play poker and was immediately hustled out of the game by a surprisingly adroit French girl. A folk singing session soon followed, which is far more entertaining than many of you may think.

I had an opportunity to go home at this point, and was indeed walking home. But why walk home when you can seek out more friends and spend an hour and a half playing Backgammon and drinking beer? I can literally think of nothing finer to do.

Since then? Smoking. Smoking and thinking and smoking. Bed would seem to be the sensible option, I think. Easier said than done, however.

If you read through all of that and found it as dull as it was to write, you should come to Headrush tonight (I believe today is Friday) and slap me in the face. Thanks.
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so simple in the moonlight [Nov. 10th, 2008|01:26 am]
[mood |moribund]
[music |bright eyes]

I feel a million miles away from everything and everyone I know right now.

It's my birthday on Thursday. I will be twenty four years old. I wish I could treat it like it were the first day of my life, come blinking into the dawn and discover a whole new world bristling with endless possibilities. I wish that when someone asked me what I'd achieved with the previous twenty three years I could tell them I'd done something of genuine worth, of genuine value. That I'd followed through on something, that I'd never just stopped when things have become too hard.

So, the question is: what happens when an unstoppable force meets an easily breakable object?

edit: Wow, I just read that back. I'm not much fun anymore, am I?
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i could substitute my singing... [Oct. 28th, 2008|03:51 pm]
[mood |chilly]
[music |josh ritter]

Here is a thing full of words that I have done with my keyboard and fingers.

Read more...Collapse )

Cripes, that was long!
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i just wanna stand outside [Oct. 26th, 2008|02:08 am]
[mood |lovely]
[music |eels]

I am having my weekly listen to Electro-Shock Blues. I suggest you do the same.

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that's how it starts [Oct. 19th, 2008|03:19 pm]
[mood |shattered]
[music |lcd soundsystem]

All My Friends by LCD Soundsystem? Check.
Skinny Love by Bon Iver? Check.
Anyone Else But You by The Moldy Peaches? Check.
Time To Pretend by MGMT? Check.
Expectations by Belle & Sebastian? Check.
Move Bitch by Ludacris? Oh, that's a big check.

Well, that was an incredible night. We finally stopped DJing at around five, and I fell into bed at six. Anyone fancy doing it all again on Friday? I certainly do.

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this sex is on fire [Oct. 17th, 2008|06:59 pm]
[mood |brrr]
[music |grrr]


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anti venom [Oct. 10th, 2008|03:38 am]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |documentary]

I had to explain to someone tonight why I randomly get into moods. It was hard, hard justifying it to someone who doesn't really know me when I can barely justify it to myself. The reason I came up with tonight was a general sense of disappointment in myself. In my head I'm so dreadful at talking to people that it makes me not talk to people. The fact that I won't talk to people because of this then makes me angry at myself, and it swiftly turns into a bad mood.

I used to be with someone who went out with me solely through seeing me do stand up. She thought that the person she saw onstage was who I was all the time. It's not. It's a character. I'm not that quick, that funny or that upbeat. I'm boring. I read. I'm quiet.

I wish I wasn't.

This, by the way, is nothing compared to other people's problems at the moment. But I needed to put it somewhere.
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everyone has to learn sometime [Sep. 28th, 2008|06:24 pm]
[mood |jglksdjklsdgjlksd]
[music |lksafksafhsakfhksa]

I haven't done this in a while, have I? Let's all be honest with ourselves though, it's no great loss to anyone. The slow death of this LiveJournal is something that I find relatively sad considering there's five-odd years of history in here, but I can't really do much about it. I go through phases with this thing, so I'm just blindly assuming it will pick up again at some point in the near future.

I am great at the moment. Or I am deeply unhappy at the moment. It depends when you catch me. You know that feeling, like you've been forcibly strapped into a rollercoaster? It's brilliant, flying around corners, your hand covering your mouth in a vain attempt to rescue your heart as you plummet down unimaginable hills. But then it levels off, your pulse rate drops and you can see everything around you come into focus. It's that bit that I don't like.

I have been single for over a year now. That's no massive thing to be: I quite like being single.

It has made me think though, about the reasons why my ex-girlfriend broke up with me, and if I've changed at all. What she would think of me if she met me now. It's not entirely positive, I have to admit. I still moan too much, I'm still immature, I'm still too mean. Plus, I have a whole new raft of things to add to that: I'm now consistently skint, I smoke way too much and I've become strangely paranoid.

I have, however, been making a conscious effort lately to change. I can never tell if it's working, though. Or if people even notice. Blah blah blah. I don't know.

HEY! I'm running a comedy night at The Foundry on October 23rd! You should all come! See, it's not entirely all downbeat! YAY! Etc.
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israel beckons me [Aug. 29th, 2008|10:27 pm]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |dreadful television]

What am I?

I am balding, I am tall, I am getting thin, I am lost, I am here, I am lonely, I am surrounded by friends, I have been a vegetarian for eleven days, I am a poorly photocopied version of the people I admire, I am intelligent but upsettingly dumb. I am all of these things and so many more.

I think I know a lot about most things but I secretly hate that I don't know everything about anything. My knowledge is arcane, restricted to historical curios and spreadsheet-like banks of music and football facts. It cannot be used to impress, only to win arguments. Only to win arguments and portray myself as a pretentious cunt on LiveJournal. I think I am talented but have been told otherwise enough times to change my mind.

I feel like I should get out more, but don't like admitting that the outside can scare me. I would smoke continuously if I could. I owe a bank £3500 and they want it back now. I want to contribute more to society, but can't get my head around the fact that volunteers don't get paid. I feel like I should talk less and say more. I feel like I should always be the one to fill silences, but I know I have nothing to say. I'm afraid I dont know how to have grown-up, interesting conversations. I am getting bored of listing things on LiveJournal.

Mostly, I am afraid that after sitting down to write, this dross is all I could come up with. I had already written something much better about how I felt like a supply teacher, but the internet died and deleted it. It was a bit too self-idulgent anyway, and made it sound like I was actually a supply teacher. If you had read it, however, you would have all agreed it was an absolutely excellent metaphor. Anyway. Sorry.
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